Earlier this year, I decided to stop dating and start slowing down. Figure out what and who it is that I want in the world. Like a personal leave of absence... from my own life. A mental and physical retreat to see clearer and so far, this is what I've discovered:
My body is aging too slowly for my mind.The one battle I'm constantly faced with is my age. How old am I? How old do I feel? The number just doesn't fit. And... I think people can see that. Men in particular. A couple of days ago, a customer and neighbor to my parents, told me that if I didn't find a man in the next year and he didn't find a woman that we should make a pact to get together. Buddy was somewhere between 39 to 45. And very serious. My mother [who I work with] was standing next to him so I glanced over to see her reaction and there wasn't one. It was almost as if that was normal. Which got me thinking. Yes I know, when I start thinking, earthquakes happen and people die so I'll try to make it brief.
The majority of people around me seem to be extremely comfortable with the idea of my dating a much older man. They wouldn't look twice.
My Realtor [whom I love!] was showing houses to my family out in Hanna and he mentioned that he had a son. [Immediately I'm thinking to myself... oh he did not just open this can of worms] but that part wasn't what caught me off guard. It was his age. He confidently told me his son was 32, had a great job, was a musician... -by this point, my ears turned off- and I wanted to ask him why he was so comfortable with the idea of his 30 something year old son being with a just barely 23 year old woman but I didn't have the balls. So instead, I took this new found knowledge and begun to pick it apart.
Wait, new found knowledge? No... that isn't right. When did this start? Shit, I had to have been... 15. He was a little more than 10 years older. I can't seem to remember his name but I do remember that no one asked questions. So what does that tell you?
I've been noticing that I'm finding myself more and more in situations where men 10 -15 years older are trying to take me home so that brought me to energies...
I'm not one to really believe in the hooey of magicks and what have you- but I do believe, however, that if you're looking for the negatives in life, you will find them or the other way around. If you look, you will find. Negativity isn't the only thing of course. Now, the reason why I'm talking about energy has everything to do with what kind of men are drawn to what types of women. High class usually meets with high class. Older women looking to feel younger find men who match that. And so on. So why do I find myself walking through a pub where the only men doing a double take being 35 of age or more? I guess the real question would be, where are men my age?
My Realtor [whom I love!] was showing houses to my family out in Hanna and he mentioned that he had a son. [Immediately I'm thinking to myself... oh he did not just open this can of worms] but that part wasn't what caught me off guard. It was his age. He confidently told me his son was 32, had a great job, was a musician... -by this point, my ears turned off- and I wanted to ask him why he was so comfortable with the idea of his 30 something year old son being with a just barely 23 year old woman but I didn't have the balls. So instead, I took this new found knowledge and begun to pick it apart.
Wait, new found knowledge? No... that isn't right. When did this start? Shit, I had to have been... 15. He was a little more than 10 years older. I can't seem to remember his name but I do remember that no one asked questions. So what does that tell you?
I've been noticing that I'm finding myself more and more in situations where men 10 -15 years older are trying to take me home so that brought me to energies...
I'm not one to really believe in the hooey of magicks and what have you- but I do believe, however, that if you're looking for the negatives in life, you will find them or the other way around. If you look, you will find. Negativity isn't the only thing of course. Now, the reason why I'm talking about energy has everything to do with what kind of men are drawn to what types of women. High class usually meets with high class. Older women looking to feel younger find men who match that. And so on. So why do I find myself walking through a pub where the only men doing a double take being 35 of age or more? I guess the real question would be, where are men my age?
Almost all of the men I've been in a relationship with, when it ends, tell me I'm too intimidating. I make them feel small. When you're a young woman, this isn't the type of shit that helps you sleep at night. What do I do with that? How do I ease up on the strong and scary scale? But most importantly- WHY?!
I don't have any answers to that. But I do know it's something that I have to be okay with or I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And who wants that?
I don't have any answers to that. But I do know it's something that I have to be okay with or I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And who wants that?
So I've welcomed this pace of life. I've begun to openly explore it and I haven't felt more at peace. I'm comfortable in my own skin now and I think it's because I know what I want. And I want to be with someone I can learn 'from', who challenges me daily opposed to being with someone I learn 'with' where we hit the finish line at the same time. Life, to me, is much more exciting when you aren't constantly afraid to beat the person you love in a race once in a while. Challenge, friends! Healthy competition. Wait... I just had an inkling. Maybe that's why I was always found to be intimidating? I never, never, matched pace, I always said eat burnt rubber. Looking back, I realize now you have to find a nice balance between two. A balance I can now make. So perhaps that's why I'm attracted to strong men. They take me in stride.
Life is sexy. It has to be or else who would want to be in it?
So, I'm going to live fully in Hanna, no rest for the wicked. Does anyone really have the balls to stop me?
;)
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